I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Is it because I queefed?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
foreskin is a definite game changer
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
