I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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