I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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