if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
