Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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