Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
