I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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