living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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