If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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