I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
