mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Randomize
