if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
