party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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