I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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