I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
