Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
