Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
