Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
