why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
