i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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