I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
