when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
