Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize