Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
