I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
