so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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