If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
