I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
