Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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