if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
