Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need water and some morals
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
