remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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