Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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