everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
