i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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