I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize