The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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