I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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