I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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