..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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