he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
