Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
third nipple confirmed
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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