Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
