and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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