I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
