that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
