hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
