He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
