bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
