I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
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