I just threw up on my dentist
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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