I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
