i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
