I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
