Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
