I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
