The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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