genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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