Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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