Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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