Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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