I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize