i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize