I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
