My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
