What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
