I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
