i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
