Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize