Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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